Ups/Downs/Balance

It seems I’m at a mental loss here. I’ve been struggling the past few months in terms of my self worth and the promise that one day my life will be everything I have ever dreamed it would be. There have been peaks where I feel like I’m on top of the world; doing everything I can to fill my time and improve my life. But the lows I have experienced recently too are so anxiously unsettling.

I don’t mean to throw a pity party here. And I know (especially with everything going on right now in the world) that there are many people who have it worse than I do. I guess I just feel like I’m slipping into a negative head space. I’ve put so much time and energy into singing more and putting myself out there, and two gigs have already been cancelled for this year. My master’s interview has been put on hold, after all the hoops I had to jump through just to get my application in. I’ve been laid off from two of my jobs that mean the most to me, and just got cancelled for my one shift at the hospital that I had set in stone for this week. The person I’d been seeing for half a year now proved to me yesterday that he wasn’t the man I thought he was. I don’t know. I’m just sitting here filled with bitterness and I’m not sure how to muster the energy to turn this all around. I know things will smoothen out – it just takes time. Things have a way of working themselves out – they always have before and always will. I guess I just feel like bitching right now.

I was messing around on my phone a half hour ago and realized my friend Cody sent me a snapchat. I opened it to find a picture of a note I gave him years ago when we worked at the bank together. He said he was rooting through his box of keepsakes and found it in there. The note was simple: “Hi” with a smiley face beside it. So very simple. But he kept it. And for some reason, that means the world to me right now.

Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. My mind falls straight into disparity and I get a rather overwhelming sense of hopelessness. But at the end of the day, I am a wonderful person. I am selfless, patient, kind, hard working, the list goes on and on. Now more than ever, I have to stay positive. If not only for myself, be it for my pets, my friends, my family. My presence and great attitude in the world impacts so many more people than I even consider at times. My positivity is contagious. My smile is radiant. I’m funny. I love with my heart wide open. I give everything my absolute best shot – nearly every time. The world needs me, and I do matter. I just need to remind myself once in a while.

This blog post is not a cry for help, so don’t get the wrong idea. It just helps me sometimes to get everything out in front of me and work through the things going on in my mind. Its necessary. From time to time I like to look back on my blog posts and see how far I’ve come and I’m hoping down the road I can look back at this post and laugh. Marvel at the progress I’ve made and appreciate the fact that I never give up. Today may have gone to shit but tomorrow is a new day and I’m ready to face it head on. ♥

 

Closure.

I’m not the kind of person that people like to hurt. Nobody really goes out of their way to do me wrong, shame me. Most treat me with kindness, with, what I like to think, their best intensions. So maybe it’s my fault for not knowing how to deal with those who seem to have a vendetta for me and for my happiness. I really can’t be so sure. Even more daunting, when did I give them such power anyway?

Tonight, my heart is heavy. It’s filled with such a load of hate that it could take out a building if swung the right way. I don’t like carrying around hate in my heart. And I tell myself it’s not my weight to carry. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to come to a screeching halt tonight, or in the near future. I’m not used to these feelings. And had I expected them to be so strong, maybe I could have better prepared myself. The rain is so heavy outside, perfectly fitting. Mother Nature and Father Time really outdid themselves with this one.

These past few months have been Heaven and Hell. A bittersweet symphony of growth, retraction, will power, confidence boosts. Gaslighting, truth, and an abundance of beer.  Silently trying to figure out where my life is heading and an unknowingness that makes me wonder if the effort is worth it anyway.

Tonight, you found love. Tonight, I gave up on it. My head is spinning. And I can’t bear to try to understand people. Their feelings. Their thoughts. What makes their heart race with enchantment or the last straw that causes it to burst. I’m confused and overwhelmed with emotions contradicted by a numbness that makes me stare off into space just entertaining the thought of it. There’s a wild rush of words and sentences begging to be placed on the page met with fingers that cant seem to find the letters to put them there.

I’m having trouble deciphering whether this is reality or not. If you’re really happy and if this is your new world. Whether you still think of me, miss me even. Three years of memories washed away with the tides of the Bay we live beside. I want answers. I want truth and closure, and the ability to move forward and heal from what happened in July. But here I am, mid-December, realizing that sometimes those answers never come. And sometimes, there isn’t anything to figure out. No conclusion other than to let it be and let it go. Easier said than done, yeah. But even if I can’t find the reality of any of this, at least I can see the reality of what needs to happen from here.

When I saw that post tonight, my heart shivered. Three tears fell from my eyes, yeah, I counted. But there was no hysteria. No straw that broke the camels back. It was sitting there in front of me, with nothing I could do to change it. And in return, it wasn’t asking to be changed. There was no lash of harsh words sent back to back through text. No blocking, no deleting. That wasn’t warranted anymore. And I knew it. Time was passing, whether I wanted to keep up or not. I knew one day you’d move on. I just hadn’t expected it to happen so fast.

I haven’t the slightest clue whether I’ll find true love one day, and it bothers me down to my core. But for now, I’ll stay focused on the things I do have control over. My thoughts, my happiness, time well spent evolving into the higher form of myself. Weeding through dreams and choosing which to follow. I have no idea what my future will hold, but it won’t be held down by the thought of you. So tonight, I let you go. When life can’t give you answers, you make your own. I have found my closure.

Kristen E. Norris ♥

 

Suicide Prevention Week 2017

I went to the doctors. Halfway through my physical, Dr. Lim looked up at me. Her eyes stared into my soul. She sincerely asked how I was doing, and shortly after, I lost it. I don’t know where the tears came from or how I had managed to go from zero to 100 in a matter of seconds but I knew I was capable of it. I told her I could feel myself dying.

She asked me what I meant by that but I couldn’t seem to put it into words. I explained as best I could. I wasn’t sure if it was my soul that felt as if it were being sucked dry or the wear and tear on my body from juggling more than it seemed I could handle sometimes. I really couldn’t be sure. I thought I might break.

She increased my dosage of anti-depressants but spoke to me in a motherly way before seeing me out the door. She told me I could get through this. My mother would want to see me happy and doing well for myself, and that I must keep trying to fight this fight. It sounded generic at first but the more I thought about it, I knew she was right. It was exactly what I needed to hear. The rain was pouring as I walked outside to my car and got inside. I sat there for a moment and got myself together to make the drive back home.

Per usual I got my head on straight and continued my drive home just thinking. Life is not terrible. Even at your lowest of lows and most earth shattering moments, you have to find the strength to keep going. Fall seven times, stand up eight. I know what it feels like to be so depressed that you refuse to get out of bed. I know what it feels like to be so alone that you can hear your own heart beat. And I know how weirdly shameful you can feel sometimes for needing a pill to take the edge off. Physically feeling like your insides are giving out and having trouble seeing a future for yourself is an intense feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst of enemies. I get it. But remember, your track record for getting through these valleys is 100% (yes I read that somewhere) and that speaks volumes.

There was a point in my life where I was struggling. It took a lot of effort for me to make myself vulnerable and ask my friends and family for help and I’m thankful they were there. It was terrifying at first but in retrospect I wouldn’t do a thing differently. I saw a therapist, found the right medication, and found my self worth again. There are times when darker feelings resurface on even the best day but I’ve discovered how to deal with the things life throws me and I’m thankful for every day I spend above ground.

I haven’t written in a while but I want everyone reading this to know that this is National Suicide Prevention week. It’s a touchy subject that should absolutely be talked about more often for the sake of helping people. I want my readers to always know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don’t ever be afraid to pick up the phone and call someone. Reach out. Make the effort to tell others that you need help and those who love you WILL BE THERE. Even though some people don’t always ask how you’re doing, they still care and would want to know if you are having a rough time. There are hotlines and organizations dedicated to providing the help needed or at least get you pointed in the right direction. Don’t be embarrassed if it comes time to sit down with a therapist or to take medication to keep yourself under control. It’s completely worth it. Life gets better. We are all human beings fighting our own battles but more than ever I need you to know you never have to do it alone. Life has so much to offer and I never want anyone to feel like they aren’t worth helping. Happiness can be found. There’s only one you in the world. – Kristen♥

“Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Mind. Body. Spirit.”

Man plans, God laughs

My favorite number is sixteen. So when 2016 rolled around this time last year, I figured it would be the best year of my life! I expected to finish up college, I hoped to write for UDress Magazine, and looked forward to moving to Rehoboth Beach full time with my (then) boyfriend.

Buuuuuuuut you know what they say, “Man plans, and God laughs.”

I never could have predicted that my mom would pass away this year. I had no clue I wouldn’t earn my degree in Nutrition fall semester, or that I would start drinking again this summer. Even with December closing in on us, I still question how this year could get any worse!

I woke up the other day feeling blue. I was moving sluggishly around the house and was haunted with a longing to talk to my mother. No motivation existed in me to go to work that day or even take a shower. As the holidays approached, I was beginning to wonder if these feelings would continue and get worse.

I hopped in my car and went for a drive. The sun was glistening on the lake near my home and my mother’s Wilson Phillips CD was playing through my car speakers. It was still fairly early in the morning, my day had essentially just begun. And that’s when I realized that I still had time to make it a good day.

I went home after my drive, made myself a delicious breakfast, brewed some coffee, and prepared a meal for my cat William. I decided to look at the good in my life, instead of focusing on the bad.I sold my house in Smyrna this year, and got closure on my past. I still got to move down to Rehoboth Beach full time, where I reside with my wonderful roommate. I’m taking a break from school, but am thankful I got to take a trip to Spain and Switzerland for a month this summer. And I made my way back to my sober lifestyle.

I suppose what I’m getting at, is that no matter what happens to you or what you are going through, you are always presented with the choice to stay positive. Sure, you could mope around and get yourself down in the dumps. But every day you are given the opportunity to make it a good day. So why not?

“The same boiling water that softens the potato, hardens the egg. It’s about what you’re made of, not the circumstances.”

The Legacy

Lets face it. I haven’t come across anyone who agrees with my philosophy on life. You spend your whole life working and trudging along. You meet people. You lose people. It’s an uphill struggle with moments in-between that take your breath away. And in the end, you die. Nothing can be taken with you except your memories, and even that hasn’t been confirmed yet. It’s a pessimistic view of things but it’s the reality I have accepted. Thats just how things are.

I’ve recently begun talking to a therapist. This “life” topic came up pretty early in our visits. She agreed with most of what I said; which I found to be surprising. Here’s this woman who is supposed to be showing me why life is worth living and instead agreeing with everything I said. Confusing right? Right. However…

She said something during out last visit. And since, I haven’t been able to shake it. Her words have struck up a new kind of life in me. I have to share.

She agreed that what I said had been true, but what about my legacy? I would leave this world one day, thats true. But what did I want to be remembered for? How did I want people to remember me as a human being when I was gone? What mark did I want to leave on this world, and would it be a big one? The wheels in my head started turning.

Life is hard. I’ve been through a lot. But it has made me a better person even if I don’t see it for myself at times. I have the strength and grace to take on whatever life throws at me and there’s something to be said for that. It’s resilience.  I don’t want to be remembered for giving up when things get difficult. I don’t want to be remembered for having a shitty outlook on life just because I’ve been dealt a challenging hand in life’s game. I refuse to be remembered that way.

I can’t tell you whether or not the sun will come up tomorrow, but I expect that it will. It’s the thrilling moments when I’m going down a slide on an inflatable water park in Spain. It’s the calming moments when I’m sailing into the sunset on a boat and can feel the breeze tickling my cheeks. Its these moments that make life worth living.

Whenever things get tough, ask yourself what your legacy will be. My life has changed forever with this new outlook on life, and I will trudge on. – Kristen ♥

“Please think about your legacy. Because you’re writing it every day. ” – Gary Vaynerchuch

A Moment of Silence

25 seconds. In a 25 second phone call, your whole world can be turned upside down. As much as you prepare yourself and know that people can’t live forever, you’re never really ready for the news. It’s a kick to the stomach. A loss of breath. A rush of panic. A deep, unsettling sadness that completely takes over and never really leaves.

Every time I left that house I knew it could be the last time I saw her. I tried to memorize her face every time I walked out the door in case I would never see it again. And whenever I turned the key to enter the house after being away all weekend I never knew what I would find, a living or lifeless form of my mother. I’m glad I didn’t find her that Sunday night. I’m glad I’ll never have the memory of seeing my mother without a breath of life in her. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

During the day it’s not as bad. I can feel her warmth all around me in the house. I can keep myself busy by watering the plants, vacuuming the living room or filling the bird feeder outside the kitchen window. She used to have to ask me over and over again to do anything around this house, but now it’s all I seem to know how to do. The nights are overwhelming enough to drive someone crazy. A house that was once never dark or quiet now has shadows in every room and the only noise is the ticking of the clock or a car blowing past on the streets. The pets look up at me with questioning eyes and my only reassurance for them is a pat on the head.

I feel like when most people lose a parent, they are middle aged – not a mere 23. The distraction of a spouse or children of their own can aid in easing the pain. But when you’re 23 there is no spouse to hold you, no kids to smile at and stay strong for. For now it’s just me living in a house on the corner of Mt Vernon. It’s hard and exhausting to explain.

She left her mark on every inch of this house. Theres a heartfelt knick-knack in every available space and candles in every room. Even when I’m taking a break from reality and sitting on the back deck, her wind chimes and string of butterfly night lights catch my eye. It’s comforting to know that she’s everywhere. But it’s also terrifying that there isn’t a single place I can go to forget.

I’m unable to go through the refrigerator. I know it sounds so silly. And I know I need to go through it soon or else the food inside will start rotting and the smell will seep into other rooms of the house but I can’t seem to do it. She always used to make dinner for me, every single night. And one of our last memories together involves going to the grocery store and picking out different items and talking about what dinner we could make with them. She begged me to put mushrooms in the vegetable stir fry two weeks ago. Had I known it would be one of her last meals we would make together I would have made her anything she’d wanted.

I’d wake up at 5 am every day if it meant being able to go to bed a little earlier at night. Anything to escape the solitary nights like this one. I can hear the owl outside. We used to listen for that owl every night for the past couple years. I hope somewhere she can hear the owl too. – Kristen ♥

“Your wings were ready…but my heart was not.”

Experimenting – with “The Experimenter”

Bath bombs are life. Period. Now that spring break is officially here, I decided to greet it with Lush’s relaxing bath bomb “The Experimenter“. I knew this bomb was going to be a good one by its vibrant colors, strong smell of vanilla and hints of gold biodegradable glitter.

Pink and blue colors fizzed in my tub instantly, eventually producing a comforting teal color in my bath water. I felt like I was away at a resort as the oils melted into my skin and hydrated my body! After soaking for about 20 minutes, I drained the water without a single worry of a stained tub or glitter plugged drain. Is there even one bad characteristic of bath bombs? Seriously, though.

If you haven’t tried a bath bomb before, I can’t encourage you enough to grab one of these fun goodies. They are the perfect remedy for a long day, sore muscles, or dry skin. Have you had any fun bath bombs or bubble bars lately? Which ones will you be picking up during your next Lush visit? Please share in the comments! – Kristen ♥

“I ♥ Me Time.”

Pretty in Pink

Let the angels sing! I have finally found the perfect nude pink lipstick I’ve been searching for. It’s so hard to find the perfect shade of pink lipstick for people with fair skin like myself. And with summer just around the corner, I like to put away my darker plum colors to give way for my lighter tones.

Leave to it Ulta to have anything and everything I could ever want – and then some. After comparing brands and colors, I found that Two Faced La Crème Color Drenched Lipstick in the color Taffy was the absolute best. The color was exactly what I have been looking for. It was just a tad pinker than the normal color my lips and perfect for my every day look. It’s super creamy and hydrating like a lip gloss, gliding on smoothly while adding supreme moisture. It comes in a classy gold frosted tube. It’s $22 but worth every penny (especially if you have a giftcard like me). I highly recommend investing in this beaut.

For those who have a more daring style than myself, I have also found the ideal lipstick for you. I didn’t but this one, but Two Faced La Crème also has a new bestseller Unicorn Tears. This has got to be the most unique lipstick I have ever seen! First of all, it’s baby blue in the tube. If that doesn’t make you want to buy it, you’re crazy. It is described as an “iridescent shimmer”, just right for layering over other lip colors from what I have found. It can sometimes wash out people with fair skin and isn’t ideal for everyday use, but I would definitely apply this if I were going out with the girls or on a fun-filled weekend in Philadelphia.

I had to stop at Lush in the Christiana Mall and pick up a few more bath bombs too. I purchased Intergalactic and The Experimenter and will be sure to write reviews on them soon! Also, check out my best friend and fellow blogger by clicking here to see what new beauty products she splurged on yesterday at Sephora/Lush/Ulta as well! Have a great week pretty people. – Kristen ♥

All pictures were found on Pinterest.

Cheers, Matey

The fact that I am 23 years old and live exactly 27 minutes from Dewey Beach, Delaware doesn’t make it very easy to choose non alcoholic drinks sometimes. Thankfully, brewing companies like Guinness and O’doul’s have worked to make this a heck of a lot easier! Whether you’re going out on the town with your girlfriends or casually sipping a beer while studying for exams, I’ve come up with a list of the best (and worst) non alcoholic beers on the market.

(Photo taken from Pinterest)

BEST

1. Kaliber – by Guinness – This is my FAVE non-alcoholic beer by a long shot. Guinness did a fantastic job of saving every drop of flavor while ditching the alcoholic content. I’m pretty sure you could switch someone’s Yuengling out for this and they wouldn’t even know the difference. Most bars typically carry this guy. Two thumbs up!
2. O’doul’s Amber – I like to change up my beer once in a while and reach for O’doul’s lovely Amber beer. The taste and smell is not disappointing by any means! This one can be a little harder to find and bars never have it but it’s nice to grab on your way to your friend’s Super Bowl party.
3. Buckler – What I love most about this beer is that it’s cheap. If I am in a hury and just want to grab a beer without spending a whole lot, this is usually a few dollars cheaper than the rest. Flavor-wise it’s okay. I wouldn’t order this at the bar if I had the choice though.
4. Sharps – by Miller – I haven’t had this one since last summer but I remember really liking it! It was very smooth, not bitter in the least. It’s the perfect beer to drink during the 4^th of July, take my word for it.

 

WORST

1. St. Pauli – It’s always unsatisfying when I order an NA beer and the serves comes out with this one. It’s incredibly bitter. If you’re a Heineken fan, you’ll probably love this one. But in my opinion, I say pass!
2. Coors Non-Alcoholic Brew Coors – This isn’t much different than your typical Coors Light, which means it’s only a step more flavorful than water. I wouldn’t buy this one again or recommend it to anyone.
3. Clausthaler – To be honest, this one isn’t terrible. I would probably recommend this beer if you didn’t have the option of any on my best list.

You may be bored just thinking about non-alcoholic beer. And if you’re like any of my friends, you may even be asking “What’s the fucking point?” But there are actually a few plus sides to this beer! For starters, you can leave your beer at your friend’s house and never have to worry about anyone drinking it! And if you end up being DD on a Saturday night, you won’t feel as left out having a beer in your hand even if it doesn’t have alcohol in it. You won’t wake up feeling shitty the day after a night of non-alcoholic drinks as well. Don’t knock it till you try it! Cheers, matey. – Kristen ♥

“The goal isn’t to be sober. The goal is to love yourself so much that you don’t need to drink.”

Grey(t) Hair

Is anyone else completely obsessed with the trend “Granny Hair“? I love love love it! And I know the trend was probably more of a Summer ’15 type of thing, but I’m dying to give it a try.

Samantha Ravndahl was one of the first to pull off this look when she posted pictures of her titanium hair last year. Since then, the trend has sky rocketed and a lot of people are reaching for the bottle of silver dye. What’s really nice about this hair color is that it isn’t as crazy as dying you hair blue or red but it’s still a cool change from the average blonde or brunette look. Older folks can’t believe you’re coloring your hair to look like theirs (and trust me, they will definitely make comments about this). Coloring your hair gray is less harmful than bleaching it blonde or and less maintenance than keeping up with bright red or purple hair. Who needs another reason to go gray?

If you’re considering the trend, you might want to update yourself on how to properly care for your locks and keep they gray in. Here are some tips on how to make the color last and keep silver hair looking gorgeous.

1. Avoid the Sulfates! Choosing an appropriate shampoo and conditioner is the first step to long lasting color. Sulfates in ordinary shampoos and conditioners can strip the color right out of your hair, and nobody wants that to happen. Try hair products designed for color treated hair. From L’oreal to Matrix, there are always sulfate free options to choose from, no matter your budget.
2. Tone it up. Using a violet toner once a week is a grey(t) way to keep titanium locks bursting with color. I always recommend Paul Mitchell’s “Blonde Platinum Blonde Shampoo”. It keeps away brassy tones that are trying to peek through and keep a wintery look to the grey highlights throughout the hair. It’s specifically designed for blonde, grey, or white hair.
3. Less Washing = More Dry Shampoo. Everyone knows washing hair less will help hair hold its color. Avoid greasy hair while contributing to lasting color by using dry shampoo. I’m personally not the biggest fan of this hair product, but I know people who swear by it. From what I’ve heard, Dove’s “Refresh & Care Dry Shampoo” is an affordable and reliable option.
4. Hair Masks. Getting an all-over color can be damaging to hair. Keep hair hydrated with a protein hair mask or leave in conditioner. There are many home remedies to try, from coconut oil to egg to aloe vera gel. There are also hair masks that can be picked up at the nearest salon or Ulta store.

I’ve been getting titanium highlights throughout my blonde hair during my last few trips to the salon. As soon as my hair gets a little healthier (and I have more money to put into it) I’ll be going full grey. If you’re wanting to give it a try, I suggest starting with silver highlights first to see if you like it. Here is a picture of my hair the first time I got the highlights put in.

Is there a hair color you’ve been dying to try? Tell me about it in the comments!

“Life isn’t perfect but your hair can be.”